So, it makes perfect sense, that when we are faced with relationship crisis in which we feel our attachment needs and the bond we share are at threat, we will move into an attempt to respond in a way that aims to reach for our partner and bring the relationship back to a place of equilibrium. 

The issue here is that often we each have our own attachment histories whereby we perhaps learned and developed ways in which to protest, to get our parents to see us, to respond, and attune to our emotional needs. Sometimes despite couple’s best efforts, the moves we have learned in childhood are no longer helpful as an adult and may often push our partners away or cause them to withdraw, or vice versa cause our partners to continue to pursue us with their best efforts to get the opposite other to see things from their perspective, so we can feel safe, valued, and connected once again. 

You may already be connecting to the idea of a pattern forming here as you read this. In couples therapy, we refer to this form of pattern as ‘the dance’, which can occur in relationships with both partners continuing to try their best to reach their partner, over and over, with the same moves that tend to keep them stuck doing the same steps, but never really gaining any traction on achieving the desired change. 

We are attachment focused and this theory informs our understanding of how our earlier childhood experiences inform and shape our relationships with self, and others and how we make sense of the world around us. It is on this basis that whilst strategies and tools can be helpful in supporting communication, we focus on addressing the pattern that couples find themselves in so they can achieve sustainable change.